Oh Tom, you know I love you. If I could find an outfit that worked on me as well as your far too open white shirt and black suit work on you, I'd wear it like a uniform too. Your Gucci years inspired me. I can't tell you how much I longed for an extra few thousand dollars and a whole lot less poundage so that I could own a pair of those destroyed Gucci feather jeans I found so goddamned gorgeous.

But Tom, you know I've had my problems with Black Orchid, too rich, too glamourous, too much. Now I hear from Now Smell This that you are launching a whole dozen fragrances. And they are unisex. Oh my. And the names, ah, the names, Amber Absolute, Noir de Noir, Velvet Gardenia, Black Violet, Tobacco Vanille, Oud Wood, Purple Patchouli, Bois Rouge, Moss Breches, Tuscan Leather, Neroli Portofino and Japan Noir. Ooh la la! How much, baby, how much? A 50 ml Eau de Parfum will be $165 at Sak's, Neiman's and other stores? Oh. Well, at least I don't have to diet to wear these.