Want to get a shiny greasy glow just like J Lo? Try J Lo's beauty cocktail ... 1 part Crisco and 2 parts Vaseline and you too can look like a oily monster.

Seriously, was it marriage that did this to you? Hey J Lo, remember when you were super hot? C'mon you remember everyone wanted your million dollar booty and everyone was singing "I'm just Jenny from the block." Those were the days huh?

Now you are old, washed up, and married to a man who looks like he could possibly be a zombie. Your fashion sense has gone to the dogs (the hoop earring is over, just let it go already) and your face -- well your face is something that almost indescribable. Oh the heck with it. Let's try to describe it.

There is a fine line between glowing and greasy, and you stepped way over it.It looks like Marc Anthony held you face down in a deep dish pizza. Not a good look. There is also something very strange happening with those eyes of yours. I applaud you for not over plucking but there is no need to rebel against eyebrow grooming all together. Your cheeks are have defied "rosy glow" and have danced into clown-like territory.

JLo, take a little advice from your dear friend Lauren and stop. Just stop. Stop making movies, stop going out in public, and stop wearing make-up because I think we all can agree your moment as a hottie is over.