The body shape food analogies just make me hungry, so let's try measuring devices: spoon, ruler, cone or hourglass?
I, like most women (and men), according to a recent survey, prefer the hourglass description. We're talking Marilyn Monroe curves here -- tiny waist, big chest, full, round rear, everything in perfect proportion. That's the stuff legends are made of.
Unfortunately, legendary curves are hard to come by. The survey found that 72 percent of men are attracted to curvier women, and 63 percent of women wish they had the womanly bodies of stars like Helen Mirren or Kate Winslet, the Telegraph reports.
So, what makes a gal hourglass? Well, really big breasts certainly help. We're talking a DD or E cup, according to the findings. Also factoring in is your thigh to height ratio (divide the thigh's thickest circumference by your height -- 0.3 is ideal, researchers say).
Don't forget your hip to waist ratio (divide the circumference of the waist by that of the hips -- with 0.7 being the optimum result), and also take into consideration your "body curve line" and "body symmetry" by checking yourself out in the mirror.
All these measurements are assigned numbers, and the higher the total score, the more perfect your hourglass shape is, the researchers say.
"The human curve has come to represent the healthiest and most fertile form, highlighting the most suitable breeding partner and has evolved to be universally attractive to males for that reason," Dr David Holmes, a senior psychology lecturer at the University of Manchester in England who worked with the supermarket chain Asda to devise the formula, tells the Telegraph. "The perfect curve also impacts on other females creating mixed responses of both respect and jealousy."
Respect and jealousy? Bring it on! So, this self-proclaimed donut had to know: Just how close (or far from) the perfect curve am I? The Telegraph report includes the formula, in which you measure your waist, hips, the largest part of your thigh (under the "gluteal fold" -- I'm totally gonna start using that phrase -- and the circumference under and around your bust. You also take two visual "measurements." How curvy are your body lines and what's your facial and body symmetry like?
This is a lot of math. I don't do math. That's why I'm a writer. So, feeling like I was being asked to calculate a rocket's trajectory to the moon, I enlisted the help of my more numbers-minded husband. First thing I learned: Ask a man to measure your bust and he will try to grope you. Second thing I learned: I am not shaped like an hourglass.
My waist to hip ratio had me somewhat close to Marilyn status; my thigh to height ratio actually showed that my thighs are too skinny (we shared a good laugh over that one) and my bust measurements had me in the Twiggy category (although, they did put me at a C-cup, when I'm barely a B -- nowhere close to legendary, I'm sad to say).
As far as the "Protoypical Symmetry" test went, neither of us could figure out exactly what that meant, so we just picked a number right in the middle that matched "minor body and face distinctions." And for "Individual Curve," I selected a number corresponding to "Your trunk, bust and thighs curve into each other smoothly." "You are mostly straight lines" will never apply.
So, my perfect curve score landed me smack dab in the middle: "You have a balance of shape and individuality." Better than "You may wish to alter your appearance with modern clothing." Worse than "You share your scores with many attractive celebrities."
Average. Not the stuff of legends. Still bad at math. But someone with skinny thighs. I'll take it.