Still, StyleList couldn't put down the "GTL" (gym, tanning, and laundry) chapter of Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino's tip-laden "Here's the Situation."
The literary masterpiece isn't due in stores until Nov. 2, but our early peek gave us new insight into the "Jersey Shore" star's elaborate grooming rituals, fitness regimen, and discerning shopping habits.
Among his secrets to looking your club-creeping, guido best:
Get Abs-Fabulous: You can "crush chicken parm," he says, but push the pasta to the side or risk substituting the "six-pack for a sick-pack." Get it? Ha! That's a funny situation.
A Dapper Do: Sorrentino opines that his old-school blowouts with every follicle spiked skyward are fine for his native Providence, R.I., but more urbane gents may want to emulate his "tight fade on the sides with a bit of style on top." He likes "lines or shooting stars" in his do, but cautions, "Your situation has to be functioning at a high level" to pull off this look.
We know what you're thinking, but it just might be an improvement on Tom Brady's current shag.
Keep It Clean: "Personally, I've never gotten ink because I work so hard on my physique it seems a crime against nature," Sorrentino confesses. If he did get body art, he might go for Jesus "with ripped abs" or "Nana's chicken piccata recipe." Holy no comment!
He Digs His Threads: The reality star recommends frequent eyebrow threading because, "When you're creeping on a chick you want her gazing deeply into your haunting eyes, not checking out your bushy brows."
Soak Up the Sun: Self-tanners are for "p---ies," declares Sorrentino, who advises readers to follow the colors of the Italian flag to get your perfect glow on: "If you're red, you've tanned too much. If you're white, you haven't tanned enough. And if you're green, then you drank too many Jägerbombs the night before."
Situational Shopping 101: Emulate Sorrentino's club style with a "silk-thin designer number" by Ed Hardy, Affliction, Christian Audigier, or Sorrentino's new line, "Dilligaf," due out next year. And trust your instincts: "If you want to bust out a deep V that's safety-cone orange because you think that's your color, then wear the hell out of that fruity shirt so everybody in the club knows that nobody owns it."
Something Stinks Here: Since smelling good is key to creeping, Sorrentino advises investing in his signature cologne, also on the market next year: "Pheromonally speaking, it's the one scent guaranteed to work in every situation."
Real-Life Fashion Situation: Sorrentino claims he arrived at New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg's Spring 2010 Inner Circle Dinner with a big, white security tag still on his jacket. Realizing he looked like a shoplifter, he went topless except for a tie.
The news here, of course, is that he was actually invited.
Speaking of flamboyant "Jersey Shore" stars, check out what's up with JWoWW's nascent clothing line.
And click here to learn how to create Snooki's infamous pouf fo Halloween!